It's a scary word......CANCER

I never thought it would happen to someone close to me, let alone somone in my immediate family.

But that wretched word has become more than just a word.  It has become reality.

I got the phone call on Thursday, February 9, 2012.  My mom called to tell me that she had been taken to the emergency room with severe stomach pain.

After doing some tests and a cat scan, the doctor's determined it was colon cancer.

She was immediately transfered to a larger hospital in a nearby city.

The next day, a scope confirmed what the cat scan revealed.  It was indeed colon cancer.

I went to see mom on Friday evening and she told my sister and I that they had caught it early......thank God.  Her treatment would be surgery to remove the tumor and hopefully have a full recovery.

Mom went into surgery at about 3:00 yesterday afternoon.  I was unable to be with her due to work, but my sisters, an Aunt and Uncle and my Grandpa (mom's dad) were all there for her.

I started typing this on Monday evening, about the time her surgery was being completed....and as I was typing, I got a phone call from my youngest sister.....she started with "the surgery went good, they were able to remove 98% of the tumor.....but the prognosis isn't good", and she started crying, trying to tell me what the surgeon had told all of them....and then I was crying....trying to absorb all that she was telling me.

I got off the phone, talked to my husband and explained what he needed to do to get the kids where they needed to go and what time and then I headed out.  It's about a 40 minute drive, but I couldn't just stay home.  I had to see her.

Turns out the doctor that told mom that they had caught it early was sorely mistaken....she had had the tumor for 3 to 5 years.  It was the size of a softball.  The reason they weren't able to get all of it was because it had invaded other areas of her lower abdomen.  Without removing the actual organs/parts, there was no way to remove the remainder of the tumor.

The tumor and several tissue samples were sent to be tested.  Pathology reports won't be back for 4 to 7 days.  So we won't know the full scope of things till those tests come back.

She has a colostomy bag....it will most likely be permanent.  I, unfortunately, got to see it up close and personal.

Not a pretty sight.  Pretty gross actually.  Not sure why the nurse pointed out her intestines that were visible through the bag, but she made sure that I saw them.  I was slightly nauseated at that point.

They had to keep her intubated after surgery because she was having trouble breathing on her own.  They had her arms restrained to keep her from pulling the ventilator tube out.  She was so "out of it" that she kept trying to fight the restraints, even though we had told her why they were on and that she needed to just relax and breathe.  She'd relax for a few minutes and then open her eyes again and have a look of confusion as to why she couldn't move her arms more than a couple inches.  So we'd have to explain it all over again.

It was so difficult to stand there and not be able to help her.  She mouthed the words "gagging me".  The tube was gagging her and she wanted it out.  But there were several steps that had to be taken in order for it to be removed.  They were basically trying to ween her off the ventilator.  Then they had to take a blood sample and test it for levels of oxygen and CO2.  If the numbers were good, then they'd be able to take it out.  Unfortunately, all of this takes time and she was being very impatient.  Understandably.

My sister and I had to head home so we could get our kids to bed, so we headed out at about 8:45 p.m.  My sister called me around 10:00 p.m. and said that the nurse had called her and told her that about an hour after we left, they were able to remove the ventilator tube.

Mom's surgeon was going to be talking with her today to let her know what happened during her surgery and what to expect.  I'm sure it didn't go over very well with her.  I wished I could've been there for her.  Damn work!

I'll be going up again tomorrow morning to visit with her and hopefully get some more information....and to spend as much time with her as I can.....while I can.

What is wrong with me?

I've been so emotional lately. I cry at the drop of a hat....I get angry over nothing....I snap at my kids and my husband for no reason.....I'm exhausted all the time....all I want to do is sit around and do NOTHING....and I've been eating sweets and salty foods like crazy (even when it's not almost "that-time-of-the-month")!
Then I heard something on the radio the other day....Seasonal Affective Disorder.....and I wondered "could this be what's wrong with me?" I read the definition online...it says:

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), also known as winter depression or winter blues, is a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptoms in the winter or, less frequently, in the summer,[1] repeatedly, year after year. The US National Library of Medicine notes that "some people experience a serious mood change when the seasons change. They may sleep too much, have little energy, and crave sweets and starchy foods. They may also feel depressed. Though symptoms can be severe, they usually clear up.

The treatments include light therapy with bright lights, anti-depression medication, ionized-air administration, cognitive-behavioral therapy and carefully timed supplementation of the hormone melatonin.

I defintely don't want to be put on any medication unless it would be ABSOLUTELY necessary! And I can't really afford to go to the doctor for something that MIGHT be wrong with me...so I guess I'll just have to hope the sun comes out more often and tough it out till Spring.....c'mon Spring....only about 3 more months!

Christmas is over :o(

I took everything down yesterday.....the tree, the decorations off the mantel, our singing snowman, the nativity, the "Countdown to Christmas" snowman.....everything. It's kinda nice to get it all put away, but it's so exhausting! Sometimes I wish it could be Christmas all year, but without the gift giving part....LOL. I love Christmas music and the whole "Good will toward men" feeling.....it's just sad that it only comes once a year. Josh came down the stairs this morning and said "Christmas is over" and I said "yeah, it's all put away for now". So until next Christmas season, everything is bagged up, boxed up and stored away in the storage room. Whew! Glad that's done.

Not a very good way to start the new year

First off I got the stomach flu early on Wednesday (new year's eve) morning. I woke up at 2 a.m. and threw up....then again at 5 a.m., 6 a.m., 7:30 a.m. and 10 a.m.......luckily that was the last time! In the midst of all of this sickness, I got a phone call from my Uncle at about 8 a.m. He called to tell me that my grandma is dying and probably wouldn't make it more than 48 hours and if I wanted to see her that I should do so as soon as possible. I told him I wouldn't be able to make it that day because I was sick. I felt awful all day.....I was scared to eat anything for fear I would throw up again and I was scared I wouldn't get to say good-bye to my Grandma before she passed away. About 5 p.m. I braved eating some saltine crackers....they stayed down. So I poured a glass of orange Kool-aid and sipped on that.....that stayed down. I was on the mend, but still not feeling up to having any kind of "fun" for New Year's Eve. We ended up going to bed at 10:30, but I had soooo much on my mind, I couldn't fall asleep. I laid there till at least 11:30. I woke up the next morning feeling MUCH better. Unfortunately, I had to wait to go see my Grandma. They didn't want children there and I didn't have anyone to watch my kids, so I had to wait till my husband got home. I made it over there at about 8:30 p.m. and sat and held her hand for about 30 minutes while I talked to my Grandpa. She's on morophine, so she was "asleep" the whole time I was there. The hospice nurse told my aunt and uncle that she hated to put a time-line on things, but she was giving her about 24 hours (which would've been Friday afternoon). I waited in fear of getting the dreaded phone call.....but it never came. She's still hanging on. It's just a matter of time now.